Being jokes

I don't get progressive leftists these days. They claim to be supporting BLM, but they aren't pro-life.

You're so fat, when you step on a scale it says, "To be continued."

You’re so fat; if you go outside now, you’d be arrested for breaking social distancing guidelines.

I cannot believe no one's come up with a cure for anorexia yet. I thought it would be a piece of cake!

Ex-bf's gf: You're so ugly as hell.

Me: Oh, did I mention that I was trying to be you?

Why did your parents abandon you?

Because the first thing you dad said to be was; "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WIFE."

Why do you never see a gay person in a wheelchair?

Because once you're a fruit, you can't be a vegetable.

I give bubblegum to the homeless so they can chew it and still be hungry.

One day, the fat kid came up to me and asked me, "What's cracking?" The floorboards, you idiot. You're causing a 9.7 Richter scale earthquake and asking ME what's cracking. It would be best if you looked down for a second.

A woman prayed to be a mother everyday for many years until she crossed a road without looking and got hit by a woman driver and died.

When she met God, she asked Him, "How come you didn't answer my prayers?"

God replied, "I did. I kept sending men to rape you, but you kept on choosing to destroy my creations by having an abortion."

I want to die at a party. This is because nobody can be sad over me.

"Why can’t you be comfortable with my own body?"

"I think you should ask yourself that."

After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"

The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.

"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.

The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"

Little Johnny's neighbor just had a baby. He got invited to dinner with his neighbor. Little Johnny's dad said if he mentioned "ears" he will get a spank.

So Johnny looked in the bassinet. They were talking about the new baby. Johnny's mum said, "What beautiful eyes."

"That is great," said little Johnny, "because he will be stuffed if he needed glasses."

What's a name orphans hate to be called?

"Homie."

What's the difference between being gay and straight? Well, it is the hole.

Life is like a raisin cookie you expected to be chocolate.

Disappointing.

Why are the people that get your order at restaurants called waiters? They don't wait for the food; we wait for the food. They should be called "note takers." They take notes for food.

Your hairline is so repulsive that my entire family got eye cancer from seeing it, and it goes so far back that you be looking like Vegeta.

Your hairline is lookin' so crusty like KFC chicken and be so discombobulated that it looks like satellite signals. It gives me flippin' sun radiation.