Childcare jokes

Welcome to Peyton's Orphanage, where you make it, we take it!

How do you make a child’s parents happy?

Put the child to sleep.

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."

I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

I found a place before called an orphanage, but when I was allowed in there were lots of kids, and I said, "Where's your parents? Oh yeah, you're orphans." Gosh, that was one heck of a day!

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?

You nail its other hand to the floor.

What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?

With a pitchfork.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them. XD

I saw a little boy playing alone in the street. I told him that was a bad idea, then asked for his parents.

God, orphanages are fun to work at!!

Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."

Kid: "OK THANK YOU."

(AT BED TIME)

Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"

Ben: "I'm not."

(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"

"Peado van, peado van, stay away, peado van, peado van, take her away."

I can't afford food, I can't afford childcare, might as well just get the money out of her.

I made a joke about putting babies in the microwave and got told I was a disgusting person.

So from now on I’ll only make baby in the deep fryer jokes.

How do you stop a baby from crawling on the floor?

Nail one hand to the ground...

How do you stop it from crawling in circles? Nail the other hand to the floor.

Don't see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too, though.

If your baby can unhook your bra, is it time to stop breastfeeding?

What’s the difference between a child who is home alone and an orphan?

They’re both alone, but only one is home.

Kids are so ungrateful sometimes. I bought a wheelchair for my son. Did he say thank you? Nope! That mtf just sat in his wheelchair the whole time crying the whole day. 😐

What do you call an orphanage?

A parent-less shelter/homeless shelter.

How do you stop a baby from crawling? Nail its hand to the floor.