Childcare jokes

Welcome to Dave's Orphanage. "You make it, we take it."

Babies can spread a nasty smell,

especially when you haven't fed them for a month.

How do you stop a baby from crawling? Nail its hand to the floor.

People call me a bad person, but just the other day I saw a little kid crying and asked him where were his parents. I love working at the orphanage.

What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?

One of them is really loud when you iron it.

I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.

I asked, "Where are your parents?" and oh god, I love working at an orphanage.

what does an orphanage and a hospital have in common?

people go there to fix their mistakes.

How do you make a baby astronaut sleep?

You rock-it!

I saw an orphan crying the other day, so I asked, "Where are your parents?"

God, I love working at an orphanage :)

I'm sweating like Michael Jackson at a kindergarten.

Why did the silly boy take the Christmas tree to a barber?

Because his mother said it needed to be trimmed.

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

How do terrorists feed their babies?

Here comes the airplane...

HERE COMES THE SECOND ONE 👹

What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

Most people smother babies with love.

I smother them with pillows.

Best not leave hungry kids unattended!

What do you call an orphanage?

A parent-less shelter/homeless shelter.

What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry?

My donation to the orphanage :)

What do you do when a baby starts to cry?

You use more lube.