Baby jokes
I was watching a documentary about how storks carry babies from their previous life to the next.
In his old life, Michael Jackson must’ve been a teddy bear. The storks let him play with kids for a change.
What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?
One of them is really loud when you iron it.
What's the difference between a baby and a Dorito?
One is a tasty snack, the other is a Dorito.
So, one day I was walking home from school with my best friend, Sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that Bob, the class rep, got her pregnant eight months ago, and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said, “Sally, it’ll be okay, I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson.” “Yeah, thanks, Suzy,” she said to me, then went into her house.
The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school, so I was like, oh, she must be in trouble with her mom. I’ll go check on her.
So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands. “Oh, hello. Is that Sally’s son?!! Can I see Sally?” Her mom says sure, and I go inside, but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone. “Here lies Sally 2004-2020.” So I ask her mom in tears, “Oh, did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied, “You could say that...”
Two Asian people have a black baby.
Something wrong.
I watched the series of "Unfortunate Events" 4 times, all the shows 4 times. I am crying. I am trying to finish the rest, then my brother comes in and says it is PG (Parental Guidance). After that, my brother called me a baby, then he pushed me off my bed. 😭
What's worse than five babies stapled to one tree?
One baby stapled to five trees.
What's worse than waking up with a dead baby next to you?
Realizing you were so drunk that you made love to it the night before...
"You are stupid. You can’t even ride a baby pony!"
Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a nursery? A. The abortion clinic won't let you take the baby home.
Did you hear about the gays that had a baby? It was a little shit
What do you call a baby kangaroo? Joey.
What do you call a 6 year old named Joey? Supper.
Do you put a baby in the microwave covered or uncovered?
Covered, it can take weeks to clean up the explosion.
What does Adam look like?
The fat ginger baby of Boss Baby.
If depression on crack fucked weed and 69 hours of not sleeping and had a baby with huge amounts of autism, that would be me.
Guess what? I have a baby in ten trashcans.
What's better than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree? One dead baby nailed to ten!
Yo mama so fat, COW!
Did you know the Bible has a passage about killing babies by smashing them against rocks?
That's probably because microwaves hadn't been invented yet.
Mom: It's time for sleep.
Baby: Is that what you think, huh?
Mom: *gives baby pacifier*
Baby: Nice try, hobo.
Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.
*few hours later*
Baby: *still awake*
Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!
Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.