Baby jokes

How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?

I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...

What's even funnier than throwing a baby off a building?

Catching it with a pitchfork.

What did mama cow say to baby cow? -- "It's pasture bedtime."

What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling? One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."

How many babies do you need to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replies, "The stork brings them."

Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"

What's the difference between a baby and a salad?

Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.

Why is baby shampoo the best anal lube?

No more tears.