Baby jokes
What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
My dick while I'm doing it.
What is the Harry Potter spell that aborts babies? Fetus Deletus!
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor? You nail its other hand to the floor.
What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
I don't jizz on an apple before eating it.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a baby?
Both of their legs don't work.
I can't decide which side to take on abortion; on one hand it kills babies and on the other it gives women a choice...
When you have a box of dead babies in your garage and one of them is alive at the bottom and has to eat its way out but goes back for seconds.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One screams when I peel its skin off.
What's worse than throwing a baby off a cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a baby? The baby is still alive.
How do you get 100 babies in the back of a pick up truck? Blender.
How do you get them back out? Straw.
Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*
Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?
Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~
Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork, but bigger ones need a crane.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they don't know where home is...
Q: The person who makes it doesn't say what it is.
The person who receives it doesn't know what it is.
The person who knows what it is doesn't want it.
What am I?
A: A baby.
What's worse than a baby in a trash can?
A baby in 10 trash cans.
I have eaten 6 babies, 9 adolescent children, and 2 infants in the past week ;p
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?
A baby in the microwave!
How do you get a baby out of a blender?
With Doritos!
Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.