What should more fun than slapping a baby?
Deez nutz.
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers”.
She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
102, if you have some alive ones.
Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.
The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"
Me, holding a baby: "Oh my God, it's so cute!"
Also me: "Throw it."
What's the best way to get ten babies in a bowl?
A blender.
What's the best way to get them out?
A blender.
I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......
What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on one.
Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.
My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.
What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?
They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"
What is blue and wiggling on my floor?
A baby in a bag.
The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."
Why did the baby cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken.
what do you call a baby in an oven?
my next meal.
What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas?
AIDS.
What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?
An erection.
What is scarier than a pile of dead babies?
The bottom one ate its way out!
