Baby jokes
What did the 1.8 nanosecond old baby get for his birthday? Nailed to a puppy falling on a buzz saw being crushed in a hydraulic press while being set on fire.
"Um, honey, I'm glad you're done, but um, WHO KICKED OUR BABY'S ASS?! I'M PRETTY SURE FACES DON'T BEND THAT WAY!!"
Why won't Trump be subject to impeachment?
Answer: Because Republicans in Congress insist that every baby be brought to full term!
A father is talking to his three kids.
Kid 1: Why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because when you were a kid, a rose fell on your head.
Kid 2: Why is my name Lily?
Dad: Because a lily fell on your head when you were a baby.
Kid 3: Auughhghhhggghhh!
Dad: Oh hey, Brick.
What's yellow and blue and found at the bottom of a pool? A baby with slashed floaties.
What did the mom say to the baby?
So there were three baby chickens and two mothers. The first baby said, "Why am I named Calf?"
And the mother said, "I f***ed a cow."
Then the second baby came up to its mother, and it said, "Why am I named B***h?"
And its mom said, "I f***ed a wolf."
And the final baby came to its mother and said, "Why am I named Orphan?" And because its mother wasn't there to see it, this is what I have to say: "Because you are one, you ducking hitch!!"
What do you call a baby in the crib?
Boys and girls watch Monsters, Inc.
Some babies may be delivered via stork, but some bigger babies are gonna need a crane.
I will always remember my baby sister's last words: "What is the fire for?"
Person: You suck!
Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎
Travis has baby hands.
Your mom shat you out after having Taco Bell. That’s why she calls you a little shat.
How do you make a baby astronaut sleep?
You rock-it!
Your mama so ugly, when the baby came out of her, the baby didn't cry. The baby said, "What the hell is this shit?" and walked out of the hospital.
What's worse than finding one dead baby in a bin? Finding one dead baby in five bins.
When you were born your mother said, "Oh, what a treasure!" Your father said, "Yeah, let’s go bury it."
Oh baby, there's about to be 7 planets because I'm gonna destroy Uranus.
A pregnant woman enters the hospital with her concerned husband. As she goes into labor, a group of doctors asked him if he would like to try a device that transfers your spouse's pain to the father's nervous system.
He agrees and the doctors turn the dial on the device to 10%. Strangely, the man felt little pain. They continued to adjust the dial until it stopped at 100%, yet the man felt nothing. Later on, the wife had delivered the baby and the pair left the hospital with a healthy baby only to find the milkman laying on their stairs with a puddle of blood around his head, shaking uncontrollably.
What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One is a refreshing summertime snack; the other one is a watermelon.