Baby jokes
Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby out the window?
He was airing his blanket.
What's the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage :|
What did one aborted baby say to the other? Nothing. They're both dead.
Q: Why did baby shark cross the Pacific Ocean?
A: To find his dad.
This had me wheezing 😂🤣😂🤣
One day, Little Johnny came home with his girlfriend and told his dad, "We're gonna go to my room and do some homework." His dad said okay. Five minutes later, Little Johnny's dad heard noises coming from his room, so he went to go see what it was, and all he heard was, "Baby, baby, oh, baby, baby, oh." Little Johnny's dad started banging on the door and said, "Little Johnny, what are you doing in there?" Then Little Johnny said, "Dad, we're just having sex." Then Little Johnny's dad said, "Oh, I thought you were listening to some Justin Bieber up in here."
What did Sophie Brussaux's baby get every week?
A face full of sperm.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"
"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."
The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"
The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."
"What about the boy?" the woman asked.
The doctor said, "Denephew."
Did you know about 9 months after a power outage 50% more babies are born because it is dark?
I'm alive, baby!
What's cold, blue and makes women cry?
Cot death.
I went to a butcher house with my little cousin and saw a baby pig and told her, "Look, it's Pepa Pig!"
She started crying.
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
You are so ugly when you gave birth to your baby, you gave it carpet burn.
POV: Someone stole Michael Jackson's baby: "He he stole my bab(y), he he."
How do planets have a baby?
They have spasex.
A hot woman is ready to jump from a bridge and commit suicide when an ugly, stinky homeless man comes up to her and tells her, "Oh baby, you so hot, let's fuck!"
She just yells, "Get the fuck away, you creep!"
He just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."
Why are washers better than babies?
Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.
Why is it everyone wants to rub a pregnant woman's stomach but never the man's balls where the baby actually came from and the real ones that deserve the congratulations?
I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.
What is the difference between a baby and a canoe?
I would never put a canoe in my garage.