I went to a tall girl and I asked her, "What do you do for a living?" She says, "An account." So I reply with, "An accounting the hairs on people's heads," and then I run away.
Away Jokes
You and your sister always get into a fight and she says, "I don't care." Then you say right away, "About you!"
Why did the homophobic boy get fired from the banana factory?
He kept throwing away the bent ones!
What does 6 tell 7?
"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"
One day I was saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. I asked if he was an orphan. He said, “Yeah, what gave me away?” I said, “His parents.”
Why did Naruto run fast?
Because he tried to get away from himself.
"Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way."
"Dr. Squatch will heal the itch, and know it goes away, hey!"
I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...
Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...
I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...
When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.
Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.
Orphan: But why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.
A new feature that we are bringing to the Olympics is 3D viewing. So if you're watching the javelin, I would look away now.
Bf: Babe, do you love me?
Gf: Of course, why do you ask?
Bf: I heard that your mom passed away, and I went to pick some roses for you to try to cheer you up, and then I remembered why I went to the garden.
Why do you Scotchmen wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So I took away his towers, and he took away my queen.
Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.
How did Anakin get away with cheating?
By choking on his wife!
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...
The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?
Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.
High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.
Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.
High school crush: Who is it?
Me: You.
Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)
Me: Fuck that.
Ryan: Mother, if you had 10 cookies, and I took 4 away from you, how much do you have?
Mother: I will still have ten cookies, because I will not give any to you.
Ryan: What if I forcefully take 4 cookies away from you?
Mother: I will have 10 cookies and a dead body.
Ryan and his mother had cookies that day. Ryan took all 10 cookies. He was never seen again. R.I.P Ryan.
A man was about to go into the bar with his dog when he realized the sign said, “No pets allowed!” He was about to walk away when another guy walked up with his dog. The 2nd man put on dark shades and said, “Just pretend you're blind!” He walked in with his dog, got a drink, then left.
The 1st man did the same thing, but when he walked in, the bartender said, “You know your ‘guide dog’ is a chihuahua, right?”
The man said, “They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!”
Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents' room, catching them having sex, so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! We’re just uh, making cake,” and they send him away.
So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother’s room, so he walks in and catches his brother and his brother’s girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! We're making cake!”
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! How'd you know!?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.
