Around jokes

This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"

God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."

When Leicester City won the league in 2015/16, do you think there was a little lad in Africa running around with "Drinkwater" on his back, annoying the hell out of the locals?

Roses are red, violets are not lime, if you turn around, I will fist you anytime.

Teddy bear, teddy bear, turn around.

Why I turn around?

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Your mama so fat that when she sits around the house, she literally sits around the house.

My wife is so fat! When she goes swimming, she leaves a ring around the lake.

Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."

A kid decided to burn his house down.

His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."

Yo, I feel like shit when you're around.

Person: What's your perfect date look like?

Me: Oh, just hanging around in a tree.

I've been sad recently that the Twin Towers aren't around, so I made the conclusion to build a time machine to watch it again.

Stephen Hawking was a bit of a hardcase. He didn't let people push him around.

If you have a pair and it runs around the street, what do you call it? A running pair.

Person: "My pony is crazy; it's always horsing around."

Karien: Don't care. You know what you did.

Jalie: I don't know what you mean. I did nothing! I'm telling the truth!

Karien: Sure. So you mean you never texted Oerien last night around 2:00 AM?

Jalie: NO, I NEVER DID THAT!

Karien: Jalie, stop the story telling. You were the one who had my phone yesterday. Just stop.

Two natives sit in the bar getting shit-faced.

Almost closing time, "Brother, you gonna snag?"

"Yeah, I'm taking her home."

He walks over, she gathers her things. Walking out together, he takes her to his car outback. They stay messing around then start having sex. He starts to get carried away. He looks down at her. She looks up at him and says, "Slow down, cousin, you're going too fast..."

A blonde starts a new job at a local car dealership when a wealthy gentleman comes in looking for a spacious car for his large family. The blonde is excited as she gets commission, so eagerly shows him the most expensive SUVs.

The gentleman has a good look around before saying to the blonde, "It looks perfect.... But cargo space?" To which she instantly replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, sir, car only for road."

Hi there! My name is Michael Grover, and I am an explorer. Ever since I’ve been little, I’ve loved searching for new things. As a baby, my parents kept finding me in nooks and crannies around the house. “On the search,” as they would say.

By the age of 5, I had been to every continent on the planet, barring Antarctica. For my 12th birthday, my parents got me diving lessons, and by the time I was 13, I could scuba dive to a depth of 40 meters, as well as go cave diving.

I got a pilot’s license by the age of 17, and I learned to sail just before my 18th birthday. Instead of going to university, I decided to travel around South America, exploring its rich jungles and beautiful landscapes.

During my trip, I met my now wife who was also an explorer. For our honeymoon, we sailed around the Caribbean, and we discovered 3 new islands which we named after the cats that I had growing up.

Over the course of my life, I have come across great treasures and wondrous experiences. But in all my life, and in all my travels, I’m afraid I have never come across a single person who cared about what you just said.

Once upon a time, a donkey was in the jungle. Suddenly, he found a lion costume and then wore it. Then he walked around the forest, and every animal was scared of him. Then he got to the city, and every human was away from him. He was chasing them when he was chasing his owner. He brayed, and then they figured out that this was not a real lion, and then he told everybody about it. Then he berated his donkey.

What does Michael Jackson like to carry around? A little ball sack.