I can’t remember if I already said this or not. I might have already said this. Also, this is a true story.
So, I’m walking into a store in Amish country, and there’s this guy with a bear trap. Then my mom’s friend says, "This guy’s gonna catch some bears." Then the Amish guy stops, looks around, and whispers, “It’s for democrats.”
Person: "My pony is crazy; it's always horsing around."
Teddy bear, teddy bear, turn around.
Why I turn around?
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When Leicester City won the league in 2015/16, do you think there was a little lad in Africa running around with "Drinkwater" on his back, annoying the hell out of the locals?
Roses are red, violets are not lime, if you turn around, I will fist you anytime.
This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"
God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."
Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."
Person: What's your perfect date look like?
Me: Oh, just hanging around in a tree.
A kid decided to burn his house down.
His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."
Stephen Hawking was a bit of a hardcase. He didn't let people push him around.
I've been sad recently that the Twin Towers aren't around, so I made the conclusion to build a time machine to watch it again.
Your mama so fat that when she sits around the house, she literally sits around the house.
My wife is so fat! She wears high heels, she strikes oil.
When she sits around the house, she really sits *around* the house. Every time she turns around, it's her birthday.
My wife is so fat! When she goes swimming, she leaves a ring around the lake.
My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!
If you have a pair and it runs around the street, what do you call it? A running pair.
What did the tree say to the depressed kid?
"Stop hanging around."
Yo, I feel like shit when you're around.
Why did Kenny die?
Was he trying to kill himself? Was he just dicking around?
Your buzz cut is so bad that the bees buzz around it!
