My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
Person: I broke my arm in three places.
Doctor: Well, don't go to those three places then.
Why was the T-rex so angry? You would be angry too if your arms were too short to masturbate.
Why are there so many scars and cuts on your arm?
Because it's a battlefield.
Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"
Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."
How did the octopus go to the war?
Well armed.
Are your hands feeling heavy? Because I can hold them for you.
There once was a little girl named Sarah with no arms and legs.
*knock knock*
Who's there!
Not Sarah.
"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."
"Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
Kid: "What's dark humor?"
Mom: "You see that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap."
Kid: "I am blind, Mom."
Mom: "Exactly."
A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.
"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."
A limbless criminal has just been identified. Police say the suspect is armed and on the run.
I'm worth something, I got a barcode on my arm!
Official Dj Penaldo playlist.
1. "I'm a fraud" 2. "I need you (ft. Tap-ins)" 3. "I Want to Leave Mid United" 4. "Back where I belong (ft. Europa league)" 5. "TY Eder" 6. "Nobody wants me (Rejectnaldo Remix)" 7. "Fuck that kid (ft. Lil Broke phone)" 8. "Sewy (Benched +arms crossed version)"
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."
"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."
"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."
"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."
"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."
"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."
Why did Bob fall off the swing while playing? Because he had no arms.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Not Bob.
I told a blind man to read more, so he grabbed my arm and read the whole dictionary.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
