Ares jokes
What’s the best thing about 26 year olds?
There are 20 of them.
Americans are fat.
An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
Why are orphans and bananas so much alike? Because they both get split.
Husband: Honey, do you want sex?
Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.
Husband: Is that your final answer?
Wife: Mmmmm.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: No doubts?
Wife: No.
Husband staring a long time at his wife.
Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.
Why are school shootings branded “very American”?
1. They usually happen in the USA.
2. They’re like the Fourth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming.
Cemeteries are so popular! People are, like... dying to get there.
Yesterday I was asked where my parents are. I said, "Getting milk."
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost.
So as they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun." And the man from New York said, "Bring me a gun as well!"
The guy was confused but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For the France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started shooting and laughing like a mad man and said. 3 men lived through this and one said to the others, "Well...sh!# that didn't go as planned."
Why are orphans always on the toilet?
Because they don't have anyone to give them some toilet paper!
Roses are red. Violets are blue, when a sumo saw you, he peed his pants.
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.
I woke up to my daughter riding me in bed. I asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "Making a Creampie."
You don't have to worry about running while boys are around. Even I can't see anything there.
Two boys were arguing in class one day when the teacher walked into the classroom.
The teacher asked them, "Why are you arguing?"
One of the boys replied, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
Are you a Muslim, because you're the bomb?
My plants in my garden are like the Twin Towers; neither of them fell, just the flowers.
What kind of ankle are you? A broken ankle.
When you play Flappy Bird in 9/11, the bird is a plane and the obstacle courses are towers.
What are a group of depressed people called?
A suicide squad.