Ares jokes
Q: Why are orphans so successful? A: Because when they were younger, they got told, "Go big or go home," and only had one option.
What do you call a Japanese person when their knees are cured?
"Happynese" (happy knees).
Cars are like bullets; you jump in front of one, and they solve all your problems.
You ever look back at your ex and are like, "Wow! What was I thinking?"
Then I start to think I was the problem :(
Just kidding, fuck that asshole!
Why are Americans so good at solving Rubik's Cubes?
Because they're good at separating colors.
Why are Elmo’s jealous of lights?
Lights are hanging.
Your eyebrows are far from home just like your dad.
What are emos' favorite TV show theme song?
Beyblade, Beyblade, let it rip!
Are you going to jump? Can I jump with you?
Tyler is ugly.
If you are called Tyler, change your name.
Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?
Me: I Excel at it.
Boss: Was that a Microsoft pun?
Me: Word.
Mom, where are we going?
To your grandma's funeral.
Yeah, 'cause I 360 no-scoped that b*tch in the face.
Why are life and a penis alike?
Women make both of them hard.
Tell the person next to you to spell "me." When they do, say, "You forgot the D." They should respond with, "There is no D in ME." You say, "Not yet." If this does not go as planned, well, then you are fucked for life.
Who are the quickest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They went through 34 stories in 4 seconds.
Why are the Twin Towers mad?
They ordered burgers, but what they got was plane.
Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)
Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.
Who are the world's fastest readers?
9/11 victims; they went through 91 stories in 11 seconds.
Your mom is so fat that when she saw Moby Dick, she said, "We are family... even though you're bigger than me."
If you are going to bully anyone, then bully an orphan, because what are they going to do? Tell their parents?