Animal jokes
I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on the floor. But only for like twenty seconds.
By the law, you are not allowed to have a sick bird. That's ill-eagle.
Q: What do you call a pigeon that is full of poop that flies in front of a car?
A: A suicide bomber.
The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Where do sheep go to shop? Shears.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
'Cause they are dead.
Women are like dogs...
"Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?"
"Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?"
"I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here..."
SHOES
what do you call a cow that fell?
Ground beef.
A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!
I lost my dog. I probably shouldn't have named him "rape."
Before Jane, was Tarzan clapping gorilla cheeks?
what do sloths and depressed people have in common? ... they both hang from trees.
What sea creature can add up? A octoplus.
What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture your bedtime.
I was walking in the forest with my gf.
I had a Desert Eagle for protection.
A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.
Why did the octopus cross the road?
'Cause he was on the same side as a sushi restaurant.
How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!
What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracadabrador.
Why didn't the bear go to college?
Because bears don't go to college.
I like penguins.