Animal Jokes

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...

The steaks were pretty high.

Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”

What do you call the place where an octopus is sitting?

Octopied.

Where do rabbits eat breakfast?

IHOP.

my huskies be like:

A husky is swimming in water. At the top it is calm. Below, the same dog is showing its teeth and the text “I’m a shark!” is displayed.

What’s the difference between a bird and a human?

“We don’t eat with our peckers.”

My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.

He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."

Why did the man say chickens were lucky?

Because they get killed and eaten.

"Déjà moo": The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Like if your best friend has a dog.

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.

But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.

What do you call a fish with no eye?

Fsh.

Did you hear about the guy who got a tattoo of an octopus?

He got inked up.

Three rednecks, Billy, Joe, and John, are talking about their hobbies. They agree on shooting. John says, "I like shooting animals." Joe says, "I like shooting birds." Billy says, "I like shooting cans." Joe and John ask, "What kind of cans, like bear cans, Pepsi cans, or cola cans?" Billy responds, "Africans, Mexicans, Jamaicans, and Asian Americans."

What do you call an idiotic cow?

A mis-steak!

Why did the dog 🐶 wake up tired?

It had a ruff night. 😂

So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.

A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."