Animal jokes
Doctor: "You're as healthy as a horse!"
Jimmy: "That's great!"
Doctor: "A horse with cancer."
What do you call a cow that was hit by an anvil? A flat iron steak.
Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?
That's what happened to my dog.
Mary had a little lamb. Chick, chick, bam! No more lamb.
What does a cow watch?
MooTube.
Why did the farmer name his pig Ink?
Because he kept on running out of the pen.
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
What do you call a sheep on steroids? A woolly mammoth.
A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...
The steaks were pretty high.
Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”
What do you call the place where an octopus is sitting?
Octopied.
What’s the difference between a bird and a human?
“We don’t eat with our peckers.”
Where do rabbits eat breakfast?
IHOP.
My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.
He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."
I hit a ball with a bat, it was called animal abuse.
"Déjà moo": The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
What do you call a cow that's beating his meat? Beef stroganoff!
Like if your best friend has a dog.
So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.
A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.