Animal jokes
Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.
By the law, you are not allowed to have a sick bird. That's ill-eagle.
What do you call a dolphin in the woods? Dead.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
What’s a squirrel’s favorite OTT? Nut-Flix.
Where do otters come from? Otter space.
What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
"This tastes a little funny."
What's big, black, and touches children?
Harambe.
Your mama's so fat, I don’t know if it is a hippo or not.
What did the horses say to the donkeys?
"Jackasses, please like!"
Yo mama's so poor, the ducks throw bread at her.
I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on the floor. But only for like twenty seconds.
Why do cows have big [udders]? Because they have big balls.
My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."
I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."
My wife saw me hit the best drive yesterday with my golf clubs.
I must have drove that chihuahua 300 yards.
My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!
What did one squirrel say to the other squirrel?
"Stop staring at my nuts."
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalottapuss.
What did the hamster say to the penis? "Ha, you look just like me!"
You can assume a horse is called a great jumper when the horse’s name is “Polo Neck”.