Ani jokes

Me: Shut up! If you don't shut up, I'm gonna tell your parents!

You: Why? I don't have any.

I wanted to buy some camo pants, but I couldn't find any.

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued oh how I wish I was dead so that I no longer have to brood.

Death would be a reprieve as I would no longer have to be true, and I would no longer have to be around any of you.

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

I remember the time that Gordon Ramsay did an African food episode... it was a short episode. Too bad he couldn’t find any.

If you want any pictures of cheese for your laptop, I've got enough to Philadelphia.

You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)

Good afternoon. My name is Russell, and I am a wilderness explorer of Tribe 54, Sweat Lodge 12. Are you in need of any assistance today, sir?

You're losing all your friends, but never any calories.

Q: What do you call a skeleton that goes to school but doesn't do any work?

A: Lazy bones.

Anyone got any good Floyd jokes? I really need them to take my breath away.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke weed.

Jack and Jill got high, and Jack ripped Jill's clothes right off her. Then Jill ripped Jack's clothes off. Jack, when they were fully naked, they started to kiss, but Jack stopped. Jill said, "I know you wanna." Jack said, "No," but Jill jumped on that candy stick anyway. Jack gave in to Jill.

Jill got off, then let Jack suck her candy stick. Jill sucked on Jack's candy stick.

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape!

So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. You see... You see, he's afraid of falling.

So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"

If there was a quiz on midgets, here’s the Midget quiz and the questions that would be on it:

1. When midgets get high on any drug, do they get high or medium?

2. Do midgets come out the closet or the cabinet?

3. Are Midgets related to Snow White’s 7 Dwarfs?

4. Is a midget just a human without the mushroom in Mario?

5. Was this funny?

What comes in and comes out, but you should never miss it?

Any ideas?

SHIT!!!!

I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder milk.

For any bag of chips, it's considered family size.

Any 8 year old: Sus!

Me: Jake, we're at a funeral!

Do you know why boys can't ask girls out? Because they don't have any balls to ask girls out!

Why did the cheetah get sad?

'Cause it didn't have any balls to suck.