Ani jokes

Do you want to know what gifts God gave me?

He didn't give me any.

I was made by the Devil.

The coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.

Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!

He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"

He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"

"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."

The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"

"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."

Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.

If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.

It isn't any of those if it's suicide.

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

Sara's Mom was helping her prepare for her driver's test.

Mom: "Okay, any questions?"

Sara: "Yes. I actually don't know what "yield" means."

Mom: "Don't worry, Hon. No one does."

I remember the time that Gordon Ramsay did an African food episode... it was a short episode. Too bad he couldn’t find any.

How old do you have to be to drink? Any age.

We're no strangers to Aaron. You know the rules and so do I (do I). A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other guy. I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling. Gotta make you understand. Never Aaron give you up. Never Aaron let you down. Never Aaron run around and desert you. Never Aaron make you cry. Never Aaron say goodbye. Never Aaron tell a lie and hurt you.

We've known each other for so long. Your heart's been aching, but you're too shy to say it (say it). Inside, we both know what's been going on (going on). We know the game and we're Aaron play it. And if you ask me how I'm feeling. Don't tell me you're too blind to see. Never Aaron give you up. Never Aaron let you down. Never Aaron run around and desert you. Never Aaron make you cry. Never Aaron say goodbye. Never Aaron tell a lie and hurt you.

Never Aaron give you up. Never Aaron let you down. Never Aaron run around and desert you. Never Aaron make you cry. Never Aaron say goodbye. Never Aaron tell a lie and hurt you.

We've known each other for so long. Your heart's been aching, but you're too shy to say it (to say it). Inside, we both know what's been going on (going on). We know the game and we're Aaron play it. I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling. Gotta make you understand. Never Aaron give you up. Never Aaron let you down. Never Aaron run around and desert you. Never Aaron make you cry. Never Aaron say goodbye. Never Aaron tell a lie and hurt you. Never Aaron give you up. Never Aaron let you down. Never Aaron run around and desert you. Never Aaron make you cry. Never Aaron say goodbye. Never Aaron tell a lie and hurt you. Never Aaron give you up. Never Aaron let you down. Never Aaron run around and desert you. Never Aaron make you cry. Never Aaron say goodbye. Never Aaron tell a lie and hurt you.

If you could add one zero to any number for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?

What's the difference between a God and my mom?

My mom exists. I mean... she did at one point! Unlike any "Gods."

A kid asks for an ice cream. The man says, "Any sauce?" and the kid says, "Na, I got ketchup at home."

Aiden's the best, in any contest, and no matter what, he'll kick your butt!

For any bag of chips, it's considered family size.

If you want any pictures of cheese for your laptop, I've got enough to Philadelphia.

One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.

Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"

What’s the difference between a prostitute and cancer?

A prostitute can beat my dick any day, but a prostitute can’t beat cancer.

What is it that a 🤔 😳 👀 😕 physicality handicapped ♿ male prostitute can do on his own very well without getting any help from his male friends that are gay like himself?

Perform fellatio on a 👨 👨 👬 gay man.

Jimmy caught his parents having sex and asked what they were doing and asked if he could join because it looked fun and his mom asked why and he replied, "Well, Mommy, I see you and the mailman do it, and when he leaves he says, 'I can't wait to cum back, that was fun!' and now you and Daddy are doing it, so I wanted to try!" The dad gets angry at this and scolds the mother saying, "I can't believe you did that when I was gone, babe!" The mother was very sad, and then the father left and went to get divorce papers, and when he left the mother told Jimmy that he'd understand when he was older.

18 years later...

Jimmy has a girlfriend and asks her to call him a sus name, and she says only in the bed, and he agrees. Later, when they both are having sex, Jimmy's girlfriend asks if he used a condom or not, and he said that he didn't know what that was, so then 9 months later, she was pregnant, but abortion was illegal, so she gives birth and puts the child up for adoption.

A few years later, Jimmy has a good job and his wife now asked to have a child, and then she asked if she could call him a sus name while he did he, he said sure, and on they went with their clothes off and under the sheets. Jimmy gets a call from his boss saying he needed to go over really fast, it was an emergency, and so Jimmy left really fast. However, his wife was very unfaithful and called in a man to come as soon as possible, and then they did it. Jimmy came home after 10-18 hours and was very happy and went to tell his wife the great new, but then he heard strange sounds coming from the room and so he wen inside and was shocked to see his father and his wife having sex. Jimmy though didn't care that his wife had cheated on him he just said, "Well baby, tonight's your lucky night," and without any hesitation ripped off his clothes and jumped in the bed and they then had a threesome, and the wife said she was very happy that she had been done x2 and when Jimmy asked why she said,"Well I had two dicks in my vagina and now I'm so refreshed!" Jimmy was happy to hear that and then had a woman come over so that his wife and a woman would have a threesome again, and so then Jimmy saw that it was his mother and he really didn't want to do it, but his wife convinced him too and so he did it and his mother was going for Jimmy's wife more and more until Jimmy no longer was in the threesome and now only Jimmy's wife and his mother were doing it, this made Jimmy mad and this bit both of their boobs and they were shocked but then they pinned him down and bit his dick and then grabbed a bottle of alcohol and made him drink until he was drunk and then he started to eat their ass' and then called his father to come to have sex again and then they all had a foursome, the wife then called the police and had then all arrested and said," You all sucked" and Jimmy said," What about you too? You sucked me!" They all died of mental desires in jail. The end.

Two guys were walking down the street, and one of the guys told his friend he could talk any blond in the world into giving him a blowjob, any blond!

So the guy bet him 20 bucks and pointed to this cute blond sitting on the side of the road and said, "Alright, let's see it!"

The other guy walks up to the cutie and says, "Hi, my name's Dave, and my doctor just told me that if I didn't get a blowjob from a blond within three hours, the disease I have will kill me in, oh, let's see now, 22 minutes!"

She looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "You mean I could save you from dying right now?" Then she says, "Pull it out!"

Ten minutes later, the two men were laughing and patting old Dave on the back when his friend noticed the blond sitting in the alley bawling her eyes out!

So he walks over to her and says, "I would have thought you would be so happy for saving my friend's life?!"

So she looks up at him just crying her eyes out even worse and says, "I could have saved my dad!"

A man went to a library and asked the librarian if they had any books on suicide.

She replied "Oh fuck off, you won't bring it back!"