Ani Jokes

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

6

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says "God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."

Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms.

Knock knock Who's there? Not Susie.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"

Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."

Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."

Dad: "Exactly, son."

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”

6

Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?

The rooster says.. cock a doodle doo The prostitute says.. any cock will do

A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"

The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."

9

Child: *drinking milk*

Farmer: hey, what are you doing?

Child: oh I just milked one of your cows

Farmer: We don't have any cows, we only have bulls

Child: *realizes*

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, what's so sad and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's head before they died". I replied "probably a bullet", she gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is, what do you think is running through their parent's heads", I said " probably all the money their losing from this funeral".

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan : he tells his friend "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick so then we'll get thrown out without paying and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again". His friend agrees so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur and the rabbit says no So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit

6

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"

Rules of Dark humor: 1. All subject matter can be used, nothing is off limits. 2. No saying "Me" or "My Life" as a joke. Nobody finds those funny. We want actual good and meaningful jokes. 3. Don't Repeat Previously Posted Jokes. If you are saying the same joke that the person right before you posted you are just begging for attention and nobody by any means likes that. I will add more in the future and be frequent on this site. - Sincerely, Zane