Aed jokes
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests.
The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.
"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" asks one of the guests.
"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.
I gave an orphan 5 dollars and I said, "Spend it on a candy bar." I came back 5 minutes later and he didn't have a candy bar. So I look over and I see that he has a piggy bank that has 40 dollars and I said, "Where did you get that?" He said, "For being homeless," and I said, "What are you going to spend it on?" He looked at me and said, "I'm going to pay money for a mother."
Someone in my class yelled "Jenga!" while watching a documentary about the Twin Towers.
My friend dumped me, so I stole their wheelchair.
Have a guess who came crawling back?
How do you get chewing gum out of a child's hair? Cancer.
I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."
"You the bomb!" No, "you the bomb!" A compliment in America, an argument in Afghanistan.
Why don't lesbians have sex in the morning?
Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese?
What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "I've got a bone to pick with you!"
That was a real rib tickler. I've got a skele-TON more of the skele-PUNS!
What is it called when the gynecologist slanders your grandfather?
A pap smear.
What is a pup's favorite pizza?
Pupperoni
Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways, wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes.
My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Cannibal eats missionary, gets a taste for religion.
"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."
What did the squirrel say when he chewed some saggy boobs?
Is it just me or do these taste like nuts?
What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?
A cold shoulder.
I was thinking of starting up a stair company, but there were too many steps to it.
What do you call a kid having a seizure on a dance floor? An improvement.
Why was the barber mad because I gave him a buzzcut?