Aed jokes

Orphan: I finally have a father!

God: And who is that?

Orphan: You!

God: Who the hell is you? Well, it's not me.

Orphan: :l

An emo and a leaf fall from a tree, which hits the ground first?

The leaf, because the emo got caught by the rope.

What do you get when you cross a turkey and a centipede?

Drumsticks for everyone!

And to the parents of the lost boy named Timmy, we have found him, and now is your chance to make your escape. He really is a little shit, isn't he?

Hey, can I tell you a joke about pencils? Never mind, it's pointless.

As you can see here, Jessie is wearing a lot of concealer.

Jessie?

When I give you the signal, I want you to roll down your window and call the oncoming cyclist a prick.

Everyone, just as a warning, stay AWAY from Akeld!

Why did the robot eat a lightbulb?

'Cause he was in need of a light snack!

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, I'm just a burden.

So fat you're a scale said, "Fat ass."

I can change a "t" into a "p," just drink it and wait a few hours.

There was a big problem yesterday.

My dishwasher has stopped working; her visa had expired.

I was watching the London Marathon one year, and I saw two runners in costumes. One of them was dressed a chicken and the other dressed as an egg. I thought: "This'll be interesting."

What does the ocean do to its friends? It waves. (*Sorry, I wasn’t making any jokes for a while. I was getting sick of this thing.*)

I just wanted to say whoever is a faker pretending to be me, that you are literally ruining my life right now. And I can literally not take this right now in life and that I just want peace so please, please stop.

Me: I have the body of a 28 year old.

Her: Prove it.

Me: (opens freezer)

I'm never going bungee jumping because a cord bridged me into the world. It's not taking me out.

I wanna see this pic of me in a bra! Where do I find it?

They're blooming a gay chicken.