Aed jokes

I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.

Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.

A Russian, a Cuban, and an Englishman are on a ship. The Russian takes a swig of vodka and throws the bottle overboard. The Cuban and Englishman with astonishment say to the Russian, "What did you do that for?"

The Russian says, "In Russia, we got an unlimited supply of vodka."

A little while later, the Cuban lights up a cigar, takes a puff, and throws it overboard. The Cuban says, "We got an unlimited supply of Cuban Cigars in Cuba."

Then the Englishman grabs a Paki and throws him overboard...

What is a nudist's least favorite holiday?

Memorial Day.

Why?

Because wearing a poppy can be very painful.

I hope Betty Pears was a Buckcherry fan.

She literally died a crazy bitch.

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well."

My brother said, "You want a cookie?"

Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well." My brother said, "You want a sugar cookie?"

Q. Why couldn't Terri Schiavo give good blow jobs?

A. She didn't know how to swallow.

A gay couple walks into a Muslim bar. The tender flares up and says, “let me guess, a little blood on the rocks?”

Trump wants people to think he's a great golfer. But the only handicap he has is a mental one.

My cousin is a surgeon.

Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.

Q. What's the difference between Trump and a piece of shit? A. Shit isn't orange.

In light of Trump's slurring, staggering, and incoherence, I wondered if he should get checked for a brain tumor.

Then I realized how ridiculous that sounded.

A tumor can't grow in something that doesn't exist in the first place.

I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.

I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

I recently learned that it's politically incorrect to talk about taking part in a school shooting.

Apparently the term "school photos" is more acceptable.

A little known rule: You cannot be circumcised if you are running for political office in the US.

You need to be a complete dick.

What is the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can go out at night without Robin.

Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?

A: "It's me, Luigi!"

If a lawyer gives birth to a stillborn baby, is it considered a miscarriage of justice?