Aed jokes
Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"
My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...
In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.
Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."
Why is being alive so expensive? I'm not even having a good time.
A normal kid brings an MP3 to school.
A rich kid brings an MP4 to school.
A quiet kid brings an MP5.
Have you ever seen a blind man swim?
Neither has he.
What do you call a kid with 15 nukes and a shotgun?
The final countdown.
Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"
The terrorists both say, "A beer."
The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"
One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"
What does an orphan and a dog have in common?
Both got taken from their parents.
What is the difference between an orphan and Pikachu? Pikachu, I choose you!
In the movie "Cars 2", there is a priest, which means car Jesus died for the sins of the cars.
I don't want to die alone... That is why I am working my way up to become a suicide bomber!
Okay, what do you call a dummy that writes a dumb writer?
What do you call a stupid pig? A pious.
What do you call a movie about an orphan?
The Bat Man.
In death, what is the only organ in a woman's body to remain warm?
My dick.
This is not really a joke, but it's a question.
If life is a movie, then is death life? Is we seeing the trailer right now?
Person: You're so ugly.
Me: You ugly.
Person: I'm not a mirror.
Me: And I'm not your reflection.
When it's not just a phase and you kill yourself to prove it.
I see a poor guy. Mini me be like- mama, can I give my spare money to him? 🤗 And my mum says yes, so I give my money and home feeling SO NICE, while MY MOM knows he's going to spend it on DRUGS. We go back tomorrow and then after we go to the same place and then I see him with drugs.
Me- what I think fck what I do 😭.