Aed jokes
A blind person walks into a bar.
Because they can’t see where they are going.
There were three boys on the top of a slide.
The first one went down yelling "gold!" and landed in a pot of gold. The second boy went down and shouted "pillows!" and landed in a heap of pillows. The final boy went down and shouted "weeeeeeeee!"
I knew this one guy who liked to swim with the fishes, then the mob got a hold of 'em...
What do you take care of after a car crash?
The witnesses.
Science took us to the moon, and religion took us into a skyscraper.
I will give you a nickel if you tickle my nickel pickle, Rick.
What do you get when you cross a redneck and another redneck?
Incest.
What do you call a white man having intercourse with a black woman?
An Oreo.
They say that bad things happen to good people.
So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "May I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
"Well," he says, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screams, "Don't eat it! It's a fucking asshole."
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breathe through that little thing?
Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex, but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. "Tomato" means harder and "cheese" means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming, "Tomato, tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese, cheese," then my little brother said, "Can y’all stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed."
Q: What is a Mexican's favorite restaurant?
A: On The Border.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.
Q: Why did the baby cross the road? A: It was stapled to the chicken.
Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree? A: Because it was stapled to the koala.
Q: Why did the tree fall over? A: The koala never let go.
Q: Why did the kangaroo die? A: Because the koala landed on it.
What do you do with a broken bird? You re-parrot!
I like trees when they are firmly stuck in a hole. PS, your hole.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and an erection? I don't have a Lamborghini.