Aed jokes
Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."
The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.
The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.
The third lady says, "I never had a husband."
The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."
They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.
The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."
"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"
A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"
One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."
If you go to the military and you get sent to a country, how many heads will you blow off?
That number is how many dicks you suck.
I say 123, yeah, the kids bullied me, but they really don't know that my dad has a gun, yeah.
I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.
Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."
What do you call a skeleton who went out in the snow? A numb skull!
My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.
I know a baby carrot when I see one.
What's worse than 2 dead babies in a trash bin? Two babies in one trash bin.
Hitler was a dic-tator.
What's the definition of disappointment?
Running into a wall with a boner, but it only hits your nose.
What's the worst thing about eating a shaved pussy?
Putting the diaper back on.
Why did the cow steal an AK-47?
He was a mooslim.
There once was a Mexican named Quan. He never talked about Dose. What happened to Dose?
Quan and Treis raped him. Once Quattro came out, they killed him. They were too poor to afford food, so they ended up eating Dose and Quattro.
There is a Mexican sitting on a train.
The guy sitting next to him says, "I have a big dick."
The Mexican decides to get a lawnmower and some clippers. When he got off the train, the police found a dead body with no dick and pube hairs.
After the holidays, Ron asks Hermione: "How was the weather in Spain?"
Hermione: "No idea, it was so foggy I couldn't see a thing!"
Q: What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?
A: One doesn’t scream when you try to chop it up.
Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.
What is it called when you whoop a donkey?
A whooped ass and apparently some people get that everyday from their drunk dads.
What do you call a goldfish that got third place? A bronze fish.