POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.
Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off? He's all right now
If Kobe missed a shot, his helicopter will too.
You know stairs, right? The dark... My there is something. I know that if you fall down the stairs, your balls will be crushed!
How did Capetian Hook kill himself? He wiped his butt with the wrong hand.
He slips, he falls, he dislocates his balls!
Why did the kid cross the road?
Because he wasn't wearing his seat belt! 😂
I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!
Did you know that Stephen Hawking's death was an accident because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep mode?"
What mistake did the manager of the Twin Towers make?
He replaced all the window cleaners with 2 commercial jets.
I masturbated by accident. I read the wrong thing And tested its factuality.
Well, it's been some good years now, haven't they? Being your own partner has never felt so together.
I was riding my bike when I saw a man's head in the wheel. It was mine.
How many Sallys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, she was electrocuted.
I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"
Me: "Please...I need my...phone."
*opens twitter*
Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
If your controller ever dies, remember those people that died on the submersible.
Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.
But I can break yours today, hopefully.
