Why did the emo step in front of a car? To get to the other side.
If you give Kobe Bryant a cigarette, he will be warm for a short time.
But he was set on fire in the helicopter crash, so now he's warm for the rest of his life.
I was doing a race, and I started after everyone 'cause I fell, but when I got up I realized I couldn't even race, not because I was behind, but because I can't go straight if I'm gay...
The patient said, "When will this be over?"
The doctor said, "After you die."
The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"
The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."
The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"
1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I'm old enough to drive, for now I'm still alive, till I crash in that beehive!
In other news, we are hearing of a nasty helicopter crash on the M4. Let's cross live to our eye-in-the-sky, Mark. Mark?
Imagine you go to school, right? You hit the curve, the bus driver be like, "Ahhh, how do I stop the bus?" Students from the bus jump from the windows. One of the students: "That's a YOU problem."
Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.
What do you get when you have a class of kids and a speeding car?
A 24 killstreak!
If your sister steps on your toe, what will you call it?
What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?
About 40 mph.
911 what's your emergency?
"Burning in toaster."
"Toast?"
"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"
"Set fire to my forest!"
I saw a helicopter fly. Next minute, I knew Kobe was on the news.
Bro, the airplanes that crashed, darn it, they got MVP!
I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!
My heart broke as I went down the stairs, and my girlfriend broke her heart.
Me and my friend roasting each other.
Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.
Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.
I pushed my best friend's chair in class. Now I kinda feel bad that he was in a wheelchair.
Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?
Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.
Why do the brakes keep squealing?
Because the driver hit it too hard.
