Accident jokes

Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.

Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. 💀

When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.

I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."

(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)

I still remember my grandpa's last words.

"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"

So I left my mom with my baby, and I was terrified when I came back; the wheelchair was in the water.

My friend was in a wheelchair, so I rolled him in fire. Now I call him Hot Wheels.

His new music video has been leaked. It’s called “Living in a Tree.”

Why did Sally drop her ice cream?

Because she got hit by a bus.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.

I got suspended at school today. I lit a kid's wheelchair on fire and called him "Hot Wheels."

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

I'll never forget my aunt's last words before she died: "Can you stop shaking the ladder, please?"

What's yellow and can't swim?

A school bus full of screaming children.

"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

Why did the chicken cro-

UM, ACTUALLY, THE CHICKEN CAN'T CROSS THE ROAD UNLESS IT'S UNDER SOME ROOSTER OR HEN SUPERVISION OR ELSE THE CAR WILL CRASH THE CHICKEN, AND THEY WILL DIE. 🤓

I had a friend who got shot in the head.

Guess you could say he was...

Blown Away!

I saw a bicycler flip over a gutter. It was pretty grate.

A man walking on his roof, carrying an axe. He drops it on someone below him and says, "Sorry, it was an axe-cident!"

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she was hit by a bus.

A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"

Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"