Accident jokes
Nobody:
Titanic: sYnCccCc
Iceberg: yAaaYeEee
People: yAaanOooO
Ocean: fUuudD
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. They argued on what the tracks came from. One of them said, "it's a deer." The other said, "No it's a coyote." The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.
Boy: Crap, I hit a deer.
Girl: Awe... I guess it’s not so much of a dear.
Boy: ...
Boy: Get the hell out!
A guy goes to Starbucks and asks, "Hey, if I can make you laugh, I don’t have to pay." The girl in the window says, "Okay." The guy says, "A little boy named Timmy lost his arms." The girl says, "Oh no!" The guy says, "And his dad left him when he was 4." The girl says, "Uhh yeah." The guy says, "Okay, I guess I’ll be paying then." The girl asks, "Okay, and what name will that be under?" The guy says, "Timmy, I’m Timmy."
How fast did Little Sally paint the barn red?
As soon as the bomb exploded on her.
Fletcher is not a lesbian. He is also not an Asian. He is also definitely not an accident.
Why can't antelopes get married?
Because they can't elope.
I like the iceberg... my favorite character was the iceberg!
While I was walking on the road, a cat crossed my road, and 5 min later I found it fell in the gutter.
Why did the golfer change his pants? In case he got a hole in one!
So I went to the bank and a lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
They're both accidents.
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Not Sally, she doesn’t have any arms.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? She doesn’t have any arms.
Why did Sally drop her ice cream? She got hit by a bus.
How do you get chewing gum out of a child's hair? Cancer.
Did you know that the Royal family like carnivals?
Princess Diana was really fond of bumper cars.
Why was I stress eating on the train track?
To wait to get hit.
Girl playing outside: "Step on a line and you break your mommy's spine." She then steps on a line and her mother keels over screaming.
Girl playing outside: "Step on a crack and you break daddy's back." She steps on a crack the mailman next door then keels over screaming.
The husband starts celebrating, gets in the car, and starts to drive away.
The son comes outside and steps on a crack.
The dad then dies in a car crash.
Famous last words: I COULD EAT THIS IN ONE BITE!
I unironically shit myself. I am so sorry.