My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.
One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.
A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.
"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.
"Denise."
"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"
"Tom Junior."
My ex died in an anchorage accident.
She always was a sleeping hooker.
When the speedbump in a school zone screams, so you go faster.
I would make a Paul Walker joke, but it would crash and burn.
Q. What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?
A. A seatbelt.
Suck on a finger, once bite it off, taste it, put some ketchup on it, wait, I'm making a mess, I bit it off!
What’s similar between the twin towers and Kobe Bryant?
They both can crash down.
So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.
When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned!
They finally released the audio recording from the black box in Kobe’s helicopter.
Apparently when the helicopter caught fire, Kobe was sitting right next to the only fire extinguisher. You could hear everyone screaming for him to put out the fire, but he couldn’t figure out how to use it. They begged and pleaded for him to give the extinguisher to anyone else... the last thing you hear is Kobe saying “I’d rather die than pass it!”
My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?
What are the similarities between a broken tire and me?
We were both caused by broken rubber.
There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
Teacher: Johnny, can you use a sentence with "definitely" in it?
Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them?
Teacher: Of course not, Johnny.
Little Johnny: Then I’ve definitely shat myself.
"Bill? Bill?" Bill hears faintly in the distance.
Bill Nye snapped back into reality only to find he had peed all over the set.
A science teacher got on the Space Shuttle Challenger after winning a contest out of 11,000 other teachers.
Imagine being one of the losing teachers in that contest, watching the Space Shuttle Challenger, and thinking, "Talking about dodging a bullet!"
I just found out that there is a racist stereotype about Asians being bad drivers, which isn't true... but if it is, then maybe Pearl Harbor was just an accident.
My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"
