What is the difference between a dead baby and an orphan?
The dead baby happened on purpose while the orphan came out as an accident!
Yo momma's so short that she fell off the toilet and broke her leg.
I would tell a joke about Kobe, but it wouldn’t really land well.
What happened to the woman who slipped in a seafood restaurant?
Um...I don't know what?
She slipped on a mussel!
I got suspended at school today, I lit a kids wheelchair on fire and called him hot wheels
Last week I found out my toaster is waterproof.
Have any of you guys heard the classic airplane jokes? Here's a good example...
A farmer, a doctor, and a terrorist are on a plane. An engine fails, and they are going to crash, so the pilot asks everyone to throw out some items. The farmer threw out his apple harvest, the doctor threw out medical supplies, and the terrorist, (not needing a bomb apparently) threw out his briefcase of bombs. They still crashed, and they started walking to the nearest town. They passed a boy who was running. "Why are you running?"
"My dad got hit by a shiny red object and now he's bleeding!"
They three of them decide it's best to keep quiet, and continue. They then passed a crying girl, who said that her brother had been killed by a scalpel from heaven. They said nothing and continued. Finally, they see a boy laughing so much he is in tears. They ask him, "What's so funny?"
"Grandma farted and the house blew up!"
Why did little Susie fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms or legs.
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
Not Susie.
Some guy was mad at his ex-wife! So he threw a bottle of alcohol into her house when he was drunk.
And realized when he was being questioned for arson, his cigarette was in the rim of the bottle.
I walked up to a man, and he said, "How's the weather up there?" and then I pushed him into the street to get hit by a bus.
Friend: Ooo, I see Jessica.
Me: Nice.
Friend: She got some red on her shirt.
Me: Yeah, that's where the Titanic hit her :///
I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"
My step-dad works at a lumberjack company and he took me to work. I went climbing trees later that day and now I'm in the hospital.
I farted, try me. You farted? Oh no, we all farted.
The plane crashed, but I did too on a pillow.
My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.
For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.
One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.
I walk into my driveway. Stephen Hawking is on my roof.
Oh wait, never mind, he just fell.
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
One time, I took my wife to the doctors. My wife had a severe migraine and needed a medic. I waited for about 10 minutes.
The doctor walked out with my wife in a wheelchair. "Due to your wife's broken hip, she may never walk again," said the doctor. "She had a migraine," I said. "Oh, we know," said the doctor.
