Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.
Accident Jokes
1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.
10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.
12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.
What do you call a dwarf that fell into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man.
Why did Suzie fall off the swing? She had no arms.
Your forehead is so big, if you fell, you would knock out your whole state cold.
What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!
Why did the planes crash into the Twin Towers?
Because the cleaner left the landing lights on!
His new music video has been leaked. It’s called “Living in a Tree.”
I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.
Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.
It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.
Why did Johnny drop his pencil?
To look up girls' skirts! 😬🤯😲😳😱🙀🙊
Why did the autistic kid walk across a busy road?
He was chasing his mind and got hit by a car.
Kobe's favorite song was "It's going down for real."
My ex got hit by a bus yesterday. I nearly lost my job.
What's black and white, black and white, black and white...?
A dead nun rolling down a hill.
What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white...? A dead nun rolling down a hill.
Just cut my thumb open with a knife (not a joke).
Attention to everyone, I'm not going to be on for 2 weeks because I was in a bike accident, or more like a motorcycle accident. I was ran off the road when my 16 year old brother was taking me for a ride. Now I can't use my legs cause, well, you know. I will be taking a break because I don't want to move my legs that much.
"Yes, officer! It was a requirement to run over that child. It matched perfectly with the beat drop!"
What do you get when you put a baby in a box filled with glass and nails and push it down the stairs?
... A boner.
My pet parrot had an accident and lost both his wings... he is being very brave about it though... he is totally unflappable.
