Absence jokes
You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.
What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?
Hookers come back.
What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?
I got my little girl a hand sewing kit for her birthday and she cried. I didn't understand why until I realized that she had no hands to sew with.
No, no, no, no. Spot the intruder.
There's no one.
My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.
Why can't orphans play baseball? They can't find their parents.
I will always remember my dad's last words...
Oh wait, I've never heard them.
Why did Sally's pizza get cold? Because she has no arms.
What do you call a cow with no legs? (Ground Beef!) No, a cow! The absence of legs does not change the fact that the species is still a cow!
What do you call a DOG with no legs? (A dog?) It doesn't matter what you call it, as it's never going to come.
Girl: "Come over."
Orphan: "I can't."
Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"
Orphan: "Just two things I don't have."
Sally fell off the swing. How did she fall off?
She had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
I got nothing.
Why did Sarah fall off the swings? Because she had no arms.
Why couldn't she get up? Because she had no friends.
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
A letter from his family; he hadn't seen them in years.
So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs?
Names.
What do you call a boomerang that never comes back?
Daddy.