Worst Jokes Ever

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"

God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?

Apparently, Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? -- Because Yoda was in charge of the sequence.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? -- "Mumbai!"

Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? -- A barber.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"

"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."