Worst Jokes Ever

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."

Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

What do you call a walkie-talkie for retards? -- A stumblie-mumblie.

I can't stand being in a wheelchair.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? -- Because they lactose.

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.

How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

If a midget with down syndrome shows up late for work, is it okay to say she's a little tardy?

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"