Worst Jokes Ever

A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.

He says to the first one, "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny."

He says to the second one, "You are addicted to food, you named your daughter Candy."

Then the third one whispers to her son, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

what do you call a retard smoking weed?

a baked potato.

You don't need a license to drive a sandwich.

Johnny: Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?

Mom: Shut up and keep licking.

Did you know that graveyards are the most popular place in the world?

Yeah, people are just DYING to get in there...

Yo mama's so old, when she was a girl, rainbows were black and white.

What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?

An erection!

I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

The Columbine High School basketball team hasn't been the same since they lost their two best shooters.

What is the difference between McDonald's and 9/11?

McDonald's has a drive-through. Twin Towers has a fly-through.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”

What's the most expensive haircut in the world?

Chemotherapy.

I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.

That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have the guts to do it.

What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

I added Paul Walker on my Xbox, but all he does is sit on the dashboard.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he isn't coming to you.