I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.
A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange." So I replied, "No it doesn't."
what's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
apple has a family tree
The flag at NAMBLA headquarters is flying at half mast.
When I'm peeing in a toilet I don't pee directly into the water. I pee on the curved part of the bowl beside the water because I figure it splashes less, but when you're peeing that close to the edge, the sporadic tiny offshoots of pee become a greater threat. I'm not sure if the accumulation of these offshoots is greater than the potential splashback from peeing mid-bowl. It's possible that I'm thinking about this too much, but it's also possible that I'm not thinking about this enough.
Guys, stop joking about 9/11. It's just plane wrong.
These two guys were txting each other.
Guy 1: How r u?
Guy 2: I’m great. The weather is lovely here Guy 2: *sends picture of a flying spring*
Guy 1: ???
Guy 2: Springs in the air. :)
Didja hear about that one guy who dipped his balls in paint? My friend said they were “Pretty nuts!”
I lost my job at the bank. Some lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her.
What did hitler kill himself with? A Nein-millimeter
Adolf Hitler + Vladimir Putin = Vladolf Putler
Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Why did sally fall off the swing? ́why’ cus she had no arms Why did sally drop a broom? ́why’ cus she had no arms Why did sally go swimming? she didn’t like not having arms Knock knock ́who’s there ́ Not sally, she hasn’t come back yet
Q: what do you call a bunch of Mexicans running down a hill
A: a mud slide
Why is England bad at chess? cause they lost their queen
What do you think would fall to the ground first a emo kid or a leaf?
The leaf the rope would stop the emo kid
WALUIGI GETS HIS WALU-WEENIE STUCK IN A VENDING MACHINE!
It’s about drive it’s about power we stay hungry we devour , put in the work, put in hours and take what’s ours
what do school shooting jokes and school shooting victims have in common? they never get old.
what does the school shooter do after he shoots a victim? he shoots more kids in them
