Worst Jokes Ever

How do Asians name their kids?

They throw pots and pans down the stairs. (ching chong dong)

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

A pair of gloves!

Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

The good thing about dead baby jokes is that they never get old.

What's better than throwing up a stillborn?

Making your wife eat it again.

Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.

Why did Jack throw his alarm clock out the window?

Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who was accused of knife-raping his wife.

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

What did the North tower say to the south tower? "Sorry, can't talk, got to catch a plane."

The only reason Stephen Hawking died is because he forgot to update to the latest version of Microsoft.

Did you know Helen Keller had a dog? Neither did she.

I was rooting for Donald Trump to be president.

We haven't had a presidential assassination in a while.

Wanna hear some famous last words?

"We are just experiencing some turbulence."

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

What do you call a snail without a shell?

Dead.

How are school shooting victims and school shooting jokes similar?

They never get old.

What happened to the terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?

He burnt himself on the exhaust pipe.

Pedophiles are really stupid and need to leave this earth.

I like my women like my cigars: smuggled in from Cuba in a sack.

Did you know that when pigeons have sex, they die?

Really?

Well, the one I fucked did.

What was the last thing that went through JFK's mind? A bullet.