A Russian wife turned to her husband and asked...
"What's this special military operation our glorious leader keeps talking about?"
Her husband replied, "It's a proxy war between Russia and NATO."
"Oh, right. How's it going?"
"Well," he replied, "so far we've lost 200,000 soldiers, 4,000 tanks, 500 aircraft, numerous helicopters, loads of armoured vehicles and artillery pieces along with our 'flag ship'."
"Wow! What about NATO?"
"They haven't turned up yet."
So one time I was with my girlfriend, crazy, right? But we were doing a TikTok eye follow challenge, and she pulled up a pic of Gwen Stacy from Into the Spider-Verse, and I looked somewhere I shouldn’t have, and she smacked me, and I changed to the Rock, and you know where she looked? WTF, right in the no-no square, and since she was a girl, all I could do was sit back and watch.
What do I and a brand new chandelier have in common?
One of these days, we’re both gonna be hanging from the ceiling.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture? You need only one nail to hang a picture, unfortunately.
One day a man buys a rope to commit suicide, but his friend stops him.
They go to a school with lots of happy kids. The guy feels better after a mag.
An Asian gets a choice between his rice cooker or his son. He instantly picks the cooker and says, "He got a B+ in maths last week; he's a failure!"
Yo mama is so fat, when she wore yellow, the kids thought they missed the bus.
Yo mama is so small that when she saw the Titanic, she called it the size of the Netherlands.
Yo mama is so ugly, when she looked in the mirror, it cracked.
What's the difference between YouTube adverts and orphans?
Most get skipped no matter how interesting they are.
One night a guy asked his wife where she wanted to eat. She said, "Chinese food," so he flew her to China. The next night, he asked her what she wanted to eat. She said, "Indian food," so he flew her to India. The last night, he said, "What do you want to eat?" and she said she wanted nothing, so he flew her to Africa.
What do you call a transgender person in a wheelchair?
An Autobot.
I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I wanted my first time to be special.
What do you call a black person scuba diving? A black diver (an armor set from DeepWoken). Did anyone laugh at that, or?? Augh, I guess I'm alone.
What do you call a deep diver? A DeepWoken player.
What do you call a fast boat?
Usain Boat.
What did one twin say to the other?
"Watch out for the plane!"
What do you call a chubby Robert Pattinson? The Fatman.
What do you call a white man that’s blind?
Asian eyes.
I don’t like the term "rape," I prefer: "struggle snuggle."
