Worst Jokes Ever

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.

The cop said, "But there is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75.

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."

English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.

What do you call a Communist sniper? -- A Marxman.

How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.

19 and 20 had a fight. 21.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

4, 6, 8, and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11 are the prime suspects.

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A pool table.

Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?

Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? -- An envelope.

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?

"Quack, quack."

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

Look in a mirror.

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

I didn't want to interrupt her.