Worst Jokes Ever

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

How is the world like dirt?

Because we don't think twice about it.

I'm starting to wish my grass was emo.

Why?

So it would cut itself.

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".

There's a movie about constipation. It hasn't come out yet.

Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."

You know what the yin and yang looked like before Martin Luther King Jr.?

There was none, it was all white!

Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?

A: My dad didn't beat cancer...

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

Not done yet.

Now they are.

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the Statue of Liberty? The statue stands for something.

To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, cause I'm still here.

What's the difference between a man and a table?

The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.

Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Son: Why?

Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.

What do you call a duck on drugs?

A quackhead.

How did Helen Keller's mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.

There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

What did the make-a-wish kid say to the staff? "I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna live longer."

What's the difference between putting a baby and a pizza in an oven?

The pizza doesn't scream in the oven.

What is a terrorist's DJ name?

Osama Spin Laden.

Dropping beats like the Twin Towers.

What is black and white and red all over?

JFK