Worst Jokes Ever

School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.

Y'know that foundation called "Autism Speaks"? No, it screeches.

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.

"Hey, today was great."

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car."

Wanna hear a joke?

Feminism.

What's a retard's favorite rock band? Syndrome of a Down.

Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.

Roses are red, Violets are blue... I fucked your mother's ass, and she had you.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?

Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

In America, planes hit the Twin Towers. In Soviet Russia, Twin Towers hit planes.

How to stop bullying?

Kids are like a box of chocolates, they taste so good and you never know what you are going to get.

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

So Paul Walker made a rap cover. It is called "Straight Out of Windshield."

A skeleton goes sky diving. Doesn't come back in one piece.

Chuck Norris gets pulled over by a cop, and the cop gets a ticket.

What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?

With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.