Worst Jokes Ever

What college can Stephen Hawking not attend?

"Stand" Ford University. :3

"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"

Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.

Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.

Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!

Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.

Teacher: What was that?

Alex: Flew the plane.

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”

What do you call Mexicans in a band trying to be a white band?

"Juan Direction."

Kid: Are you gay?

Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.

Jeffrey Dahmer was eating at 5 Guys before it was a restaurant.

I don't like to use the word "kidnapping". So I just use the term: "surprise adoption."

What do you call a white man surrounded by black men? Coach.

I'm made with depression and extra anxiety, then a side of gay and a sprinkle of emo.

I drew a picture of a whale in the ocean. My brother asked, "What are you drawing?" I said, "You taking a shower."

Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.

My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”

Where do people with no legs go to have fun?

Legnoland.

So, I was getting on a plane, and the pilot does his usual speech talking about altitude and what not with the microphone, and he forgets to turn it off, so after the speech I heard him and the co-pilot talking about what they were doing after work, and whatnot.

Then the pilot said he was dying for a blowjob and a coffee, so a stewardess ran to the pilots cabin, and then left about 15 minutes later, and the pilot shouted "Next time don't forget the coffee!"

What’s the relationship between a pedophile and a light bulb? They're both meant for dark rooms.

The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.

What do you call it if your mom is a guy and your dad is a woman?

Transparent.

What's black, blue, and red, laying in a ditch?

You after you disrespect me.

Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...

His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...