Worst Jokes Ever
What do you do when your baby starts screaming?
Use more lube.
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.
“Correct,” says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.
“Correct again,” says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”
What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?
Hearing AIDS.
When we were visiting the Hoover Dam, I started to get a bit hungry. I asked my parents, "Where's the dam snack bar?"
Hey God, what are you making?
Just a wooden stick that lights on fire.
Sounds like a match made in heaven.
God: “Steven, join us.”
*sees the staircase to heaven*
Steven: “Shit.”
What’s the difference between a dumpster full of dead babies and a Lamborghini?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"
What was the last thing to run through Osama bin Laden's mind? Probably a bullet.
How do trees calculate square roots? They use log-arithms.
A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live."
The man says "10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?"
The doctor calmly replies "Nine".
My friend's mother thought a kid who had autism and Down syndrome called him a "double down."
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
Why did the sperm cross the road?
To fuck the chicken.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other, "I blew like 20 bucks in there!"
When you send nudes to your Roblox gf and your uncle’s phone sounds with a text tone...
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he's drinking a magical drink. He asks, "What's so magical about it?" The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, "Y'know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
What type of pizza did the 9/11 victims order? Two planes.
My cat got in a fight. It was a catastrophe.
Why did Stephen Hawking's wife get annoyed with him?
He had an affair with Alexa.