Yours jokes

Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.

Girlfriend: Am I pretty or ugly?

Boyfriend: You're both!

Girlfriend: What do you mean by that?

Boyfriend: You're pretty ugly!!!

A baby skunk's mother gets hit by a car, so the baby skunk doesn't know what he is.

So the baby skunk walks up to a baby bunny and asks, "What are you?" The baby bunny replies, "Well, I'm a baby bunny. What are you?" The baby skunk says, "Well, I don't know, am I a baby bunny too?"

The baby bunny says, "No, you're not a baby bunny." So the baby skunk asks, "Well, what am I then?"

The baby bunny replies, "Well, you're not exactly blank and you're not exactly white, so you must be Mexican."

"Son, I found a condom in your room." "Gee, thanks, Grandpa!" "Why are you calling me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, "I’m an orphan, your honor."

Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.

What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?

One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.

What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?

You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.

On Xbox Live, an orphan can say "they f-ed your mom," so you can say, "at least mine didn't die from it."

Your hairline is more bent than James Charles' gender.

An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.

"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."

Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.

The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.

The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".

Woah man, you need to take a step back. Your hairline did, so I am sure you can.

When the school shooter is just about to leave your classroom, and you think you're in the clear, but the Down syndrome kid says, "Goodbye."

When you're fucking your boss's daughter, then you realize that you are self-employed.

A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."

1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.

I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."

Q: What's the hardest thing about losing your virginity?

A: Making sure she doesn't wake up.

Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.

Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.

Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!

Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.

Teacher: What was that?

Alex: Flew the plane.

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."

His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"