Yours jokes
What's blue and bad for your teeth?
A green brick that's painted blue after the original paint dries (it takes a little while to dry), but after it dries you can paint it and then it will be green. If the brick is green it is called a green brick as it is green (not blue anymore) and it hurts your teeth because brick is a hard material that can damage the bones in your mouth (also known as your teeth).
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Jack and Jill went down to hell to fetch your mother's bladder.
Her bladder broke. You two are soaked, and now you have a daughter, 'cause in that bladder was me!
What does a pirate say to his girlfriend?
I want your booty!
If you're in a roast battle with a homophobe and they are talking mad shit, just say:
"The only thing looser than your mouth is your asshole!"
Johnny Johnny?
Yes pa pa.
Eating sugar?
Yes pa pa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you're mad at me for eating a little sugar. Smoking? Telling lies? Yes pa pa, you do all of those things because you're a chronic addict.
As a son, I set up a home date with my mom and my friend because I was going out of town. I set it up by telling my friend that my mom thinks he is cute, and I told my mom that my friend thinks that she is hot.
I came home the next day. I see in the living room my friend giving it to my mom doggy style. I ask what's going on. My mom said to me, "Meet your new daddy," then my friend said, "Hey son, get me a beer from the fridge."
Your forehead looks like the inside of a Malteser.
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. “Oh, Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”
One day little Jonny is in class. It is the second day back to school. The teacher is annoyed with the kids, so she goes to the front of the class and says, "If you think you are stupid, stand up." Little Jonny stood up.
The teacher asked him, "Why do you think you're stupid?" Little Jonny said, "I don't think I am stupid."
Then the teacher asked little Jonny why he stood up. Then little Jonny replied, "I just felt bad seeing you standing here alone."
Your mom is pregnant and you're the father.
A man was about to go into the bar with his dog when he realized the sign said, “No pets allowed!” He was about to walk away when another guy walked up with his dog. The 2nd man put on dark shades and said, “Just pretend you're blind!” He walked in with his dog, got a drink, then left.
The 1st man did the same thing, but when he walked in, the bartender said, “You know your ‘guide dog’ is a chihuahua, right?”
The man said, “They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!”
John pretended to be a doctor.
Motu came to him. He said, "I lost my hunger."
John brought some samosas for his lunch. Motu ate them. John said, "Your hunger is back!"
Then, Motu said, "I lost my taste."
John said, "Number 1, bring some water." Motu drank it and said, "This is petrol!" John said, "Your taste is back!"
Motu said, "I lost my memory."
John said, "Number 1, bring some medicine." Motu said, "But Number 1 brought water." John said, "Your memory is back!"
Your hairline [is] so bad, we needed to pull it from another universe.
If you fuck your sister in front of a redneck, are you appropriating their culture?
What is the best thing about a gipsy on her period?
When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.
Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."
Kid: "OK THANK YOU."
(AT BED TIME)
Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"
Ben: "I'm not."
(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"
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I went home and I saw my friend kissing my sister. I said, "What’s going on?" They both told me that they’re going out with each other. I said, "Alright."
The next morning, I see my friend kissing my mom. I said, "What’s going here?" They both told me they’re going out with each other. Then my friend said to me, "I gave you 3 gifts. 1 gift, I’m your best friend. 2 gift, I’m your new brother-in-law. 3 gift, I’m your new stepfather." I felt so happy I had a friend that [is] looking out for me.
Son: Mom, is it possible to make a strawberry cake for me?
Mom: No, that's impossible.
Son: But it is possible for your secret boyfriend, right?
Mom: No, no, please don't tell your dad. I will make a strawberry cake for you.
Son: Daddy has already tasted your sweet strawberry cake, so because of that, I felt jealous ^_^