Yours jokes
When you're sitting in class and the quiet kid yells, "Lovely day, isn't it?" ... and you see a Glock shape in his pocket.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Queen.
Queen who?
You don't know the queen? You're crazy!
When you hear your mom’s car pull in the driveway and you remember that she told you to take the chicken out of the freezer 7 hours ago.
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
What if your Corona test is neutral?
Can you make me a bowl of cereal? Oh wait, your dad never came back with the milk.
If a midget says your hair smells nice, is that sexual assault?
Your birth certificate is a complaint to the condom factory.
One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."
What's worse than getting raped in a cemetery? Finding someone else's semen in your mom's corpse.
New Teacher: "I was an orphan as a kid."
Students: "OOOF"
Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"
Students: "Your Parents."
What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common?
When you pull either one out in class, everyone all of a sudden wants to be your friend...
What's the difference between a T-Rex and your sister? I can't stick my dick in a dinosaur.
Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
So you're the one!
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile? Your face muscles.
What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "You're dead to me."
Your hairline goes so far back it went back to when Earth was created.
I would make a joke about your mom, but cows are sacred in my country.
Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this:
"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"
or
"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"
Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.
How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.