You're jokes
Friend texting fat boy: I know you're on the group chat. I can see you looking at my texts.
Me: I can only see fat.
59009 flip it backwards on your calculator... it = boobs!
Are your forehead and your hairline best friends because they look like they go way back?
2019, where you can change your gender at a snap of a finger.
When I saw your hairline, I thought you worked at McDonald’s.
I told my wife she was lousy in bed.
She replied, "I guess you have been seeing your ex-girlfriend, uh?"
Your hairline is so far back, I wrote a summary about it.
Your hairline and the universe have one thing in common: they’re yet to be discovered.
I was dying when I called my sister and she said, "Hi, this is Pepperoni's pizza and abortion clinic; your loss, our sauce. How may I help you today?"
Teacher: What do you kids want to be when you grow up?
Kid 1: I want to be a firefighter.
Kid 2: I want to be a police officer.
Kid 3: I want to be dead like both my parents.
Teacher: Ok, everyone pull out your books.
Kid 4: Are we going to ignore what he said?
Teacher: What do you want me to do? Call his parents?
As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.
Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."
Mummy, how was I born?
Mummy replied, "Well, your father and I got married, and soon I became fat and you came out, and then in, out, in, out, and after you did that a million times, you were born."
Who comes once a year and makes your kids cry?
Rapey Santa.
I don't care if I got beat the first day you were born. Your momma asked for a receipt!
My friend: Wanna hear a joke?
Me: No.
Friend: Why?
Me: Because you are a joke.
Friend: Your life is too...
Me: :)
Friends :)
I asked, "Mom, what's that in the sky?"
Mom replied with, "That's your father."
I want a bigger couch.
Why? You're going to be in the kitchen most of the time anyway.
OK, OK, eat your shirt.
There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.
If you're ever bored, beat up an orphan, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents?