You're jokes

I pushed an orphan and they said, "I'm telling!" I asked, "Telling who? Your parents?"

My friend: You're ugly.

The orphanage: That's what I said to all my children.

There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.

I sucked your mom's anus.

How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?

Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"

Your hairline so bad that when your teacher puts you to sit in the front of the class, your hairline be all the way in the back.

Grammar: It's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

Are you a walnut, because I'm about to nut all over your walls!

A man's daughter comes home from school and asks her dad if she can borrow the car.

The father replies, "No, it's too late at night."

The daughter says, "C'mon, Dad. I'll do anything."

The dad says, "OK, suck my dick."

The daughter says, "No, that's disgusting."

The dad says, "You want the car. You said you'll do anything."

The daughter agrees. Just as she is about to put her father's dick into her mouth, she stops and says, "Eww, Dad, your dick smells like shit."

The dad replies, "Yeah, well, your brother borrowed the car about an hour ago."

What is happening? Which is better: being loved or being hated? State your answer.

I saw a kid sitting on the curb and I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?" "You're parents did."

Knock knock. Who's there? Ieatmop. I eat mop who? Eww, you eat your poo?

Your kid's so ugly he would make a Happy Meal cry.

I was always poked and told at weddings your next... So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....

Parents: Why do you use your phone on the toilet?

Me: The same reason you read the newspaper on the toilet.

H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?

W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.

*Later that day*

W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?

H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.

Your mama is so skinny she can dodge raindrops.

Your forehead is so big that it made Mona Lisa smile.

When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.

Your teeth are so yellow, you spit butter!