You're jokes
Coworker: Knock knock.
Orphan: Who's there?
Coworker: Not your parents.
Mom: I was an orphan once. The kid: Oh, ok, idgaf. Mom: And you're gonna be too! :) The kid: Ok, idgaf- WAIT WHAT THE FU-
Waitress: You wanna box for your leftovers?
Me: No, but I'll arm wrestle you for the bill.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
OK, OK, eat your shirt.
Your forehead is big. God said dude that's bigger than me and I'm infinitely big!
Your mom is so fat that she can't get internet because she is worldwide.
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and you're American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?
European.
Mom: I apologize, Sam, for being so mean to you. <3
Sam: Thank you, Mother, for your apology.
Mom: jk
People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"
And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"
What happens when a skeleton does not laugh at your pun?
Looks like someone's funny bone is broken. 😁
When I saw your hairline, I thought you worked at McDonald’s.
Q: How do you know if a gang of Chinese people robbed your house?
A: All the rice is gone.
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ.
Why don’t you act like your hairline and kindly take several steps back?
Why did the little girl cry twice?
Because you wiped your shitty bloody duck on her favorite teddy bear.
A game that all orphans hate,
"Who's your Daddy?"
If you are a girl--you are allowed to read this.
Look down your shirt and spell attic.