You're jokes

Principal: You're being bad. I'm gonna need to call your parents!

Orphan: *sits there sadly*

How do you get rid of butterflies in your stomach?

Stop eating caterpillars.

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho cheese!

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Your butt's so big you can slap it and ride the waves.

Toothbrush says, "I have the worst job ever."

Toilet paper says, "You think your job is shitty."

Hey, guys! Just a quick reminder to spread kindness today and treat others how you want to be treated!

Rate your day on a scale of 1-10 in the comments below. Mine was about a 7. Also, can you guys please comment [on] what you guys want me to cover in these little messages? Sometimes it's hard to tell if you guys like that I'm doing this kind of stuff or not.

A midget walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says no.

The midget asks why. The bartender says, "You're a little drunk!"

A pirate walks into a bar with a wheel hanging down his pants.

A guy walks by and says, "Pardon me sir, but you've got a wheel hanging down your pants." The pirate responds, "I know. It's driving me nuts!"

Say "I'm a man" after every sentence.

You walk into a bar. (I'm a man.) You find a girl. (I'm a man.) You take her home. (I'm a man.) She whispers in your ear. (I'm a man.)

Where is an elephant’s penis?

On their feet, because if you get trampled on, you’re fucked.

If I saw a homosexual or transsexual man do so much as TOUCH my child, he would be dead, zombified, and castrated by the end of the day.

Protect your young'uns from these degenerate freaks and live off the grid so they have no bearing on your life.

One day, a leaf asks Mom, "Mom, why am I named Leaf?"

Mom says, "Because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head."

The next day, Feather asks Mom, "Mommy, why am I named Feather?"

Mom says, "When you were a baby, a feather fell on your head."

The next day, Brick asks Mom, "Rhsisvrkanx!"

Mom says, "Shut up, Brick!"

What did the gay guy say to his boyfriend before leaving to go on vacation?

"Do you need help packing your shit?"

If I called you gay, you would probably hit me with your purse.

Roses are red, your penis is blue, the bed sheet has turned a different color, too.

What did the squirrel say to the dog?

"There are nuts in your poop. I found them!"

There was a cowboy riding in a desert when he saw a little girl up ahead. He heard her crying, so he went up to her and climbed down from his horse and asked her: "Hey, what's going on? Why do you cry? Where are your parents? What happened?"

The girl said in a crying, sad voice, "The Indians came, killed my father and my mother, and raped my sister."

The cowboy just laughed, unlocked his belt, and pulled his trousers down and said, "Guess it isn't your day, is it?"

Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.

1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!