You're jokes
You're so skinny that your mom had to use a whole shampoo bottle on your head, but she still couldn’t find you.
Do you know Imagine Dragons? Imagine dragon these nuts across your face!
A young Greek couple got married, and at their wedding...
...the mother of the bride took the bride aside for a quick chat.
"My sweet," she said, "you're now a woman. I'm so proud. Some advice for you now that you're married: Greek men are very particular, and at some point when you're making love to your new husband, he might suggest that you 'turn around,' if you know what I mean. If that sort of thing makes you uncomfortable, do not feel pressured to say yes."
The bride thanked her mother for the advice, and the wedding continued. That night, as she and her husband consummated the marriage, she was mildly surprised to learn that he never asked her to 'turn around.'
They spent a beautiful week together on their honeymoon and made love many times. But still, to her mild surprise, her husband never asked her to 'turn around.'
Their one year anniversary arrived, and they made love to celebrate the milestone. But again, to her mild surprise, the husband never asked her to 'turn around.' This continued for years: their second anniversary, third, fourth...
Finally, on their fifth anniversary, her husband started getting romantic with her in bed and said, "Honey, we've been married for five years. I was thinking we maybe try something new. I thought this time you could 'turn around,' if you know what I mean."
She replied, emphatically, "No! No, I do not do that, I am not that kind of woman!"
Without getting defensive, her husband simply said, "That's all well and good, honey. But I thought you said you wanted children?"
If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
I saw a kid crying today and asked them, "Where are your parents?"
God, I love working at an orphanage!
When some1 talks shit about you, simply say, "I'm surprised that your teeth aren't brown from all the shit talking you do"
If you're ever bored, jump on Vedanta, what is he going to do, tell his parents? (He probably will.)
Roses are red, violets are blue, Pornhub is yours, Facebook will do.
You learn from mistakes!
That's why you're an only child!
What do parents tell little boys to make them behave?
"Be good, or when you're asleep, Michael Jackson will get you!"
"Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go."
Your balls are so big, when people see you at the market, they think it's watermelon.
If your controller ever dies, remember those people that died on the submersible.
You're so poor, when a robber robs your house, they feel bad for you and just leave.
What do you call a nacho that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Slap it on the arse and tell it to keep going!
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see.
What’s the difference between the twin towers and your parents?
Nothing, they are both just memories.
Why do priests dunk babies in water at their baptism? Because it's important to wash your sex toys.
Q. When is your grandfather's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.