You're jokes

Women are like tornadoes.

They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Stop and apply lubrication.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex will make your whole day. Anal sex will make your hole weak.

How do you know if your wife is dead?

Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.

What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."

Which sex position produces the ugliest children?

Go ask your mother.

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.

"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.

"Boxing?"

"No, ... hurdles."

A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.

The little boy says, "I'm scared."

The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.

"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."

What has a bottom at the top?

Your legs.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"

How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.

What's Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom? -- How I bought your mother.