You're jokes
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?
Take a flute and shove it up your ass.
Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.
What's Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom? -- How I bought your mother.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
Your mom sings "It's the Final Countdown" while pooping.
Your mom laughs at your father, because he has an ugly wife.
Your mom finds a mirror on the scrapyard and says, "I would have thrown away a picture like that, too!"
What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in?"
How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
School is like a boner. It's long and hard unless you're Asian.
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"
Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."
How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
Call her on the phone.