You jokes

Sleep and death are alike; it's just with death you don't wake up.

Oh, sweetheart, you brighten me.

Guys, I know this is kinda weird, but everyone who wants to... Put your name and your age in the comment section. Not address though because that would not be good for creepers... Lol I am Lucy and I am 15 years old. What about you guys? :D

What do you call an overly clingy child?

A tumor.

Friend 1: How come when you say "apart" your lips move apart, but when you say "together" they move apart?

Me: Maybe your lips want a divorce.

What can't a sniper say to his wife?

"I missed you."

Take a water bottle, shake it, you got piss.

Hi, welcome to Dave's Orphanage, you make 'em, we take 'em!

On my signal, I would like you to drive onto the pavement (sidewalk) and run over my ex-wife.

What do you call a freight train with bubble gum?

A chew-chew train!

What did the orphan say when he first played Sims? Dang, you can have a family!

How to make the kissing in a tree recognizable: me and you k.i.s.s.i.n.g., tree sitting, wedding, love, then comes love, then comes baby in the carriage, then hate comes, divorce and purse.

FEW!!!!!!!

I give you 31 because we will do the 69 later, thanks.

"Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?"

A man goes for a pee in a haunted house.

He unzips his pants at the urinal when a man dressed as a goblin chuckles next to him. "You got a small dick, buddy," the man says to him.

Person 1: Do you know Imagine Dragons?

Person 2: Yeah.

Person 1: Imagine draggin' these nuts across your face!

Did you know that your son has been deeper inside of your wife than you have...unless you put the coat hanger up there?

What's the difference between a government and a pawn shop?

They lower you.

You went the wrong way. Always choose the right path.

Me: What did my sister do when she dressed up as Elsa and I gave her a balloon?

You: What?

Me: She let it go, let it go!