Friend: Hey, did you catch that game last night? I did, it was so good! After that I went to Kane’s, because Kane's is amazing! What did you do this weekend? I did-
Me: Dude, are you the Terms and Conditions? Because I don’t give a fuck about what you say.
What do you call a cow that has been shot?
Holy cow!
Why can’t you run in a campground?
Because it’s past tents.
I would tell you a story of my dad... If I knew who he was.
Did you ever walk into Stephen Hawking's house?
Answer: No, neither did he.
What are you doing, son? It has been an hour, and you are still in front of the mirror closing your eyes.
Mum, actually I want to see how I look while sleeping...
What do you call a cow that sleeps?
A bulldozer! 🐄💤
Have you ever been to the ocean? Well, the smokers out there probably only seaweed!
How do you stop a baby from crawling on the floor?
Nail one hand to the ground...
How do you stop it from crawling in circles? Nail the other hand to the floor.
When the emo kid looks at you and says, "Fuck you," run!
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
It depends how hard you throw them.
Are you a nation leader or an email deleter?
Okay, roses are red, violets are blue, Barney looks better than you.
Q: Did you hear about the Twin Towers?
A: No, what happened?
Q: Apparently, the design was fundamentally floored!
I would have told you about a chemistry joke, but I wouldn't get a reaction.
What happens if you sit under a cow?
You get a pat on the head.
"Bippity Bobbity Boo, Boo Radley is coming for you!"
What happens when you eat salmon with Nutella?
You get salmonella.
Yo, Rob, you forgot to pay me cause you sucky sucky my thang.
AKA, you're up for adoption.
What do you call a Mongolian swindler?
A Khan artist.
